This blog is a trip down memory lane. Not because I live in the past. Not because I'm too lazy to write something new but because I'm here to inspire YOU.
I never spend time in the past but once in a while it’s nice to casually look back to see how far I’ve come. A quick peek now and then for the sake of gratitude and to inspire you to follow your heart to find your life’s purpose. Anything is possible. I know that now.
How Ironic that the first Birthday of my company falls in The Year of the Dragon. Unpredictability. Yes, I have seen terrible things happen all around me since the start of 2012, some of the craziest by far. Many accidental deaths, my friend Mike Grefner disappeared and still has not returned, mother nature on a rampage, but for the first time these things are not happening to me. Maybe it’s just the way I see the world now or what I’ve attracted or not attracted to it.
If you have been following my story from it’s initial conception you will remember that my life was a serious roller coaster of disaster leading up to moving to Nicaragua and finding Santosha. For those of you who are new blog readers I’ll catch you up to speed. My life wasn’t always a beach, flip flops and bikinis with endless sunny days. I’m in control of my life now. Once I took responsibility for attracting all of the negative events into my life and quit pretending I was a victim, things changed.
And for those of you who have reached out to me recently, you know who you are, needing inspiration and security to take your own leap maybe this will give you the kick in the ass you are searching for.
Love is the answer. What was the question?
From my very fist Blog. Just like Thelma and Louise but with better hair styles and no husbands in tow. Getting the hell outta dodge in search of santosha!
After my parent’s recent divorce of 30 some years- never saw that one coming. One of my roommates got killed in a head on car crash. I lost my job – one that I actually liked and was successful at. Not just “a job” but a career in the wine industry. Who wouldn’t love those perks!? Next, broke up with a narcissistic boyfriend over text message. Ahhh, don’t feel sorry for him, his sister coined “narcissistic,” and him and I went to Mexico and I learned he hated swimming in the ocean, really?! That was NEVER going to work having so much love and respect for the ocean. Came back only to find my new alcoholic roommate was stealing from my personal wine collection and lying about it, flooding toilets and stealing bikes.
So, with the help of my trusty side-kick; who shall remain anonymous for the duration of this blog, I will refer to her as Thelma - together we joined forces.
If all of this wasn’t reason enough to “get the hell outta dodge,” I searched internally for the answers, mostly in Adho Muka Svanasana = downward facing dog, on my yoga mat and asked myself, “is the universe trying to tell me something?”
Yep. I cried it out on my mat many times. Hoping people would not notice the tears, mistaking them for sweat. I cried not only from the heartache and shitty hand I had recently been dealt by a higher power or maybe my own residual karma – who knows, I’m not saying I’ m perfect. But, these tears were also because Julia McCabe my Guru and favorite yogi to date, was kicking my ass in moe foe pigeon and bird of paradise – bird of paradise my ass – mine looked more like broken flamingo. Finally deciding to listen to my own intuition – I will always do this now, making this a personal daily goal, I set out on adventure in search of healing and search of “santosha.”
Will Blunderfield, an amazing yoga instructor and healer once said in class, – as I laid on my mat in Savasana his words spoke to my soul. “In life, we need a purpose – a passion, without this we feel lost and do not have contentment in day-to-day life.” From that day forward I knew I needed to find my purpose in life. This was the beginning. In search of a purpose. It was now.
EAT. BIKE. PRAY. This was my plan.
We ate our way through Italy, biked it off the carbs in Croatia and then before I could get to Nicaragua to pray, my dad died.
As you know. I half-heatedly moved to Vancouver after the universe decided to puke on my perfect life and it’s like that scene in the movie Stand By Me where one kid sees the other kid puke and the puke-a-thon begins and just keeps going. Apparently the universe or God or whomever may be in charge didn’t get my email or see my status update on Facebook saying… “hey, can you take it easy on me for a while?
Yes, we needed a plan and we needed to implement it ASAP! Sounds healing right – Eat.Bike.Pray? I needed this despite the cost, after all – mental health is priceless and in the end, probably much cheaper than that insane asylum option.
First mission EAT.
No day in Italy is complete without taking a moment to enjoy one of the greatest discoveries Italy has ever shared with the world and my life. I will never see coffee the same. We started our days by sipping a cappuccino seated at an outdoor table facing an open piazza as the sun washed over us. We finished our evening meals under a starry sky, pigeons tucked into their nests, with a signature blend espresso recipes only known to the cafe owner that aid in digestion. Truly an Italian moment is sipping an espresso at a standing table or counter while nibbling a fresh pastry in between meals or just after devouring a cup of gelato!
A few more important memories worth mentioning: eating grapes and figs from the vines and trees in Tuscany, renting an old farm-house in the Chianti Hills with 6 wonderful Polish people who are now considered friends, vintage shopping in Florence, wandering through narrow streets in Lucca made only for bicycles, watching the sun set in the medieval town of Volterra – yes the same Volterra in the Twilight Series where the Volturi reside, swimming in the Mediterranean sea, doing yoga poses outside the Vatican, getting molested by an Italian dressed up like a Gladiator, drinking absinthe – won’t do that again, limoncello, dinner outside of the Pantheon, standing in awe of the Statue of David. …. I could go on and on but this blog must end.
Next mission Bike! Bike off all that food we ate in Italy.
Bike it off in Croatia! ---it was this day I started to believe in the innate oneness of all beings. I felt my father’s energy travel through the universe when he was drowning.
My memories of Croatia are a bit convoluted. I was in Croatia when I got the heart-wrenching news my father died. We always hope our parents will die of old age in their sleep. It was a bit ironic that I was traveling through the crystal clear waters of the Adriatic sea by boat when I got the news my father drowned in a boating fishing accident back in the United States.
We were about to embark on an 8 day – 7 night boat and bike tour on an island hopping adventure through the Dalmatian Coast. Looking back, If I had known how intensive the biking would be prior to committing on this trip, I may not have gone. We were biking 40 – 120 km per day. Total of 535 km / 334 miles (for you yankees).
It was intense but I would do it all over again. Each day the boat would drop us off on a new island and would meet us on the other side. As we cycled our bikes through the center, trying our best to keep pace with Teresa, a 70-year-old woman, a true inspiration – we took in the sights of harbor palm lined coves, breath-taking beautiful rolling country side, treasured old towns dating back to Roman times, historic villages, olive groves, vineyards, forests, Gothic Renaissance Baroque structures and Cathedrals, castles, cobblestone streets, and views of the turquoise clear Adriatic from hill tops.
On our last day we did not have a bike tour so Elvis, our bike guide and I went to the Coliseum. As we entered the Arena we were almost alone here unlike the Coliseum in Rome where thousands of tourists bumped into each other to take in the experience. It was so peaceful here in an eerie kind of way. You could smell historical death. We took lots of photos and some of each other, me striking my usual yoga poses – practicing for my next journey. After we were finished Elvis asked if I wanted to go for a coffee but I refrained. Still feeling a bit “off” I asked if I could be alone. I wanted to go for a walk through the city and down by the harbour by myself and I said I would meet him back at the boat.
Little did I know, during this time my father was drowning in a lake back in my home state of Montana in the United States. If you want to read the full story it’s in the full blog.
Pray in Nicaragua (continuation from Eat.Bike.now Pray!)
I was speaking to a dear friend of mine the other day that has read my blog up to this point and she said, “it looks like you had to lose control and then surrender to the flow.” That’s exactly what I did.
For the next 30 days I was gong to be living in neoprene, spandex and organic bamboo cotton. I was going to Nicaragua to pray. To meditate. To learn about Yoga. To sweat. To unite with myself, to become connected to the universe. To heal my heart and ignite my soul. To find my purpose.
After training, Julia wrote this for me.....
From the mouth of my Guru Julia, "There’s a book called “She’s Come Undone” and I think of you Heidi and how you have wholeheartedly and gracefully shared your story of coming undone. So fresh from wounds that just undid. One by one (like a refined tailor I once watched in Asia restitching a garment torn apart) you too will, and already have begun to suture the gaps between loss and loneliness….Only to see, ten steps back, a whole new garment of colour and texture. A haute couture of re-invented loss and loneliness, into a gown of abundance. Your heart will become even brighter and warmer as the days march along. The more you stoke it and be vulnerable welcoming all walks of love and life in, the bigger it will arrive: Shiva – Wild and big, dancing around a bonfire."
Universal Family. What the bleep does that really mean?
Our Universal family is based on unity of all people, places and things. It has no physical roots in the traditional framework of families but is more so the energy and mind thoughts that connects all people and spirits in the world primarily living between the north pole and the south pole, east to west.
Everything we do must be in awareness. Conscious direction. Our actions echo back after traveling through the universe. If we omit good positive energy or thoughts – mental vibrations, it will bring a positive outcome. If we echo negative energy or thoughts- mental vibration it will deliver back a negative outcome.
Karma is more than just “doing good” for others. Leave the ego out of this. It comes down to our conscious thoughts and the energy, and mental vibrations we are sending through the universe that can affect the wellness of our universal family as a whole. “if you wish to be happy, think of the happiness of your fellow human beings.” -Hazrat Inayat Khan
The dog days are over!
Some days the song “The Dog Days Are Over,” has been the theme song for many a road trip. A soundtrack to be played with friends or on a “solo mission.” It’s words of beauty and inspiration ring through to my core. This song in particular speaks to my soul. I’ve danced stupidly to it like no one was watching, clapped my hands to it happily but sadly enough with each clap a child somewhere in the world dies to its beat. I’ve enjoyed a celebration toast to it with friends and screamed the words from the top of my lungs without taking a breath. I’ve done yoga to it.
Every day may I be reminded by the truth of its words and the sacred meaning behind them. Everyday I listen to it and its words take me to great heights. Today I will play this song if I feel like giving up because if tomorrow comes – there is no turning back.
Today is what really counts because tomorrow may never come.
Whats love got to do with it?
Bigger than any wave. More powerful than fear. Love is like an ocean. Impermanent as a wave rising.
Every time I paddle out I remember my father’s drowning and I face fear. As energy surges through the water I find the rhythm of the ocean as I meditate on my surf board. I look toward the horizon, seeking a perfect set. Patience is required when waiting to catch a wave just as it is to find the perfect person to compliment your life. Learn to love the paddle. Pause in moments of difficulty because pleasure never lasts long enough. Enjoy what you are doing right now, and if you don’t change it. I’ve been working hard to love myself so that others may love me. We are put in the center of our lives to take charge of it.
I’ve learned through risk to adapt, to discover, to know, to learn, to grow, to inhale, to let go and to love. One must risk in order to find yourself, to love yourself.
Love is like surfing. If you get caught in the impact zone you need to get right back up because you never know what’s coming. Rather than seeking out someone to love you try to cultivate compassion, kindness and forgiveness for yourself and our personal love will meld into the realm of unconditional love that others will be attracted to.
Education may not make you wise. Success may not make you giving. Poverty may not make you humble and being wealthy may not make you rich. But love can teach you everything. The purpose of life is to discover your gift and then give it – then surf the waves of karma.
What do you want to create?
You must align your heart and believe that you deserve it. If there is any inkling of doubt. You might as well forget about it! The universe will test the foundation of your intention.
Your physical mind may argue with your higher mind. Imagine your physical mind as the valley and your higher mind as the top of the mountain. You can see much farther from here. Your higher mind will guide you and tell you where to go. It has great vision than what your physical mind can imagine. Trust in your higher mind. Accept that reality will have obstacles. Embrace these obstacles and rise above the suffering and victim mentality. Relate to these obstacles rather than feeling victimized by them. Quit resisting reality but rather embrace it. Only you can control your reaction to it.
Have you ever had a dream and were able to manifest it? Things were going really well in the beginning. Your dream had come true. Then BAM. Like a freight train, you were derailed. Stop. Look at what energy patterns you have been spinning since you were a child and fix the root of the issue/problem. Only you know what baggage you are carrying and only you can unpack it. Your intentions and desires are supported by the universe but more importantly they must be supported by your heart in order to manifest. STOP. Unpack or better yet, leave your baggage here.
If you don’t truly believe you deserve love because you were abused as a child then no matter how many positive thoughts you think and wish for love, if you’re still spinning the negative energy pattern of being a victim underneath it all manifestation cannot occur. Deal with the baggage. Fix yourself and then carry on your journey. You will feel much lighter as you unpack the past instead of trying to bring it with you.
The past doesn’t exist. The future doesn’t exist. Only this moment, right now, right here exists. You can fool your own physical mind, but you can’t fool the universe.
My address: The WORLD. I’m free. Dedicated to Mike Grefner
You see, I’m free.
Free from the corporate chains I was once bound to needing this type of security to pay my mortgage, drive a BMW and wear all the fancy new clothing collections each season. Once upon a time I needed this security so I could drink expensive wine and dine at all the finest establishments, you see, I truly do love the finer things. But my idea of “the finer things” has changed. For me, freedom FROM is the finest thing!
Here I was a weekend warrior in my own mountain town. Not free from anything. Only bound to a paycheck. Taking in as much nature as I could when time permitted to feel free. It’s expensive to live in a world-class resort. I would climb the highest peaks to get a glimpse of what an Eagle might feel from high above and I would wonder, what would it feel like to be free? I would race downhill on any object such as skis, a snowboard, a mountain bike or my own two feet, letting gravity take me and enjoying the short ride while it lasted. Hoping Sunday would last forever and Monday would never come. Not because I don’t like to work but because I didn’t enjoy the work I was doing. It was not my “dream job.” At this time of my life I did not have the understanding of Santosha. Santosha is “being content with what we have” at the present time, not wanting more and appreciating what is. In the words of my friend Mike Grefner, these things – the job, the car, the mortgage, the clothes. the gear were only “a burden of security that suffocates my freedom.”
Now I have traded this kind of security for freedom. Freedom from. I have released myself and have found freedom in just being. I find myself having a hard time making plans these days. I like to wake up in the morning and go with the flow. I have the best boss I’ve ever had, ME! I like to see how I feel that day and see where the wind will take me. I go with the flow and when an obstacle arises, I realize it is just me tripping myself up.
The other day I was snowboarding with the boys and I rarely ask for directions but we were in gladed trees in an area on the mountain that was unfamiliar to me. “Which way?” I asked. My friend laughingly replied, “Just go, let gravity take you.”
Yes, “just GO, let gravity take you.” Go with the flow of your own true nature inside of your soul and from this freedom will come. Don’t worry about what your parents and friends will say. It is when we fight with what our hearts truly want and desire that we become discontented. I’m trying to show people how it is done, that’s what inspires. Just trying to tell people how it is done, only tires. Our knowledge of the innate Oneness of everything, all living things, all beings, gives us the ability to set ourselves free because nothing can be set outside of you. It’s all in me. It’s all in you. Freedom comes from within.
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” – Howard Thurman. A quote Mike Grefner shared with me.
With a grain of salt. I inspire some and apparently offend a few.
We can all free our hearts and release ourselves from our past. Including past karmas. Only a handful of people in this generation will actually do the hard work it takes to follow their dreams.
I’m only here to inspire you, not discourage you from your goals and current path. Acknowledging that only a handful of people in each generation will actually be true to themselves and desires. Think of yoga in terms of decades. Monumental events can flash by before you so quickly. I’m stepping away from the norm. You can choose the same or not. I won’t judge you.
Stop judging and start loving.
Stop resisting and start living.
Stop taking and start giving.
Stop hating and start loving.
Stop casting stones and start supporting others dreams.
Stop living your life for others and start living for you.
Yes, life is simple for some, more difficult for others. But as soon as we do not see the innate oneness in all beings and in everything on this plant we place prejudices, boundaries and judgement inflating our ego, making ourselves feel better than the next person. We are not better than any single one person. That person that you do not like could be a mirror reflection of something that you need to change about yourself.
“The ego is a self-selected individuality program that has you believing that you are special. Specialness leads to differences, which leads to comparisons, which leads to conflict, and inevitably suffering.”
So you wanna date a Yoga Goddess? (This blog will be published by Elephant Journal this week!)
“It’s not what you call me, but what I answer to. I am a Goddess. I’m not afraid of the dark because I shine my own bright light through a stain-glass window, creating and dancing in my own beauty.” ~Heidi ♥
You can seduce a an average women’s mind to gain access to her body, but you must speak to a Yoga Goddesses soul to gain her full attention and affection. We don’t give it up easy. A Yoga Goddess knows that her passion is her purpose and living out her dreams will inspire you to do the same. This is her gift that she can give to the world.
She is a beautiful creature, creating her own beauty and dancing in her own light as if no one is watching.
A Yoga Goddess is from the world. She is free. Free to be.
Me and Seeking Santosha Nicaragua will be featured in Zetta Adkins-Kinney’s new book Goddess to Goddess. I’m going to plan a Goddess to Goddess retreat around the launch of the book! Maybe the author will even grace us with her beautiful presence?!! Wait for it….details coming soon.
So the moral of the story is, when something is in ruins it can lead to a beautiful transformation. Never give up on your dreams. Your passion is your purpose. Believe in the innate oneness of all beings and you will never feel lonely. Love yourself so much and when your self-love is overflowing, only then can you share it with another person and the world. Do not let the words of another blow out your flame. You must create your own beauty and dance in your own bright light and when you cast a shadow, recognize it and step out of this shadow. Be the change you want to see in the world. Have compassion for yourself and others.
Love is the answer, always.
Thank you for your love and support. In oneness, Heidi
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