I dreamt about you last night and even though you’re not here in body form in this world anymore, in my dream you were so real. So real that I woke myself up to escape you. From as early as I could remember you were never a loving nurturing Mother. You always manipulated me into hiding the real truths about your actions from others but your lies will not remain secrets any more in my attempt to shine a light onto the black dark shadow that tried to swallow me whole my entire life. These secrets have been burning in my heart and soon they will turn into butterflies because sharing truth, removing the mask, living in awareness and opening my heart will end past sufferings and lead to transformation. In order to create awareness and more healing in this world we need to be real so all of God’s children will be protected, so abused children won’t have to lock themselves in their bedrooms. At the age of 9 you told me, “If you could do it all over again you would have an abortion.” God could never understand the hate you felt for yourself and me, a beautiful child. It has taken my entire life to dissect the lessons, understand the true nature of karma, gain knowledge about past lives and to heal my own chakras. Now that your gone you will never have another chance to utter words of hate to me. In this moment birds are calling to each other, the wind is howling through the jungle and you might be screaming but I can’t hear you. As the waves crash on beaches up and down the Pacific Coast and all over the world my soul will live in peace for the rest of its days. I forgive you. I love you.
As I watched my neighbor fidgeting on the other side of the stone fence the light from the rising sun made the leaves on the tree behind him appear incandescent, each leaf was shining so brilliantly my erratic mind became mesmerized. A blue sky with little clouds sprinkled the dry earth with a misty rain, an enchanting jungle moment considering the circumstances of my neighbor’s visit. An overwhelming amount of gratitude flooded my soul and my heart thanked Mother Nature before he could speak. As I stood in my door way not welcoming him in through the gate not wanting to see anyone, feeling paralyzed, it was apparent he was searching for words. Holding our gaze for a moment he broke contact and looked down at the earth and mumbled, “Your’e stronger than me.” He wasn’t the first person to tell me this in the recent passing days and his words left me feeling weaker, unable to speak and remained silent.
His condolences for the loss of my Mother was genuine and I appreciated him stopping by. Forgetting he had lost his brother to suicide, his pure empathetic energy was felt from across the fence and minutes later I offered the same apology. My heart ached with guilt but feeling his heart ache too was a beautiful painful reminder to an identical loss and the oneness that connected us all. We bowed our heads in silence, or maybe it was shame, knowing the self-loathing that eventually fed the ego of our loved ones to end their own lives. We both inhaled deeply and sighed out loud and gave each other a shy wave as we parted ways.
It’s true, the razor blade of an ego mind can bring a person to a breaking point. If self-loathing feels like a warm blanket on a cold night share your feels with others and ask for help. If you see family or friends struggling, don’t leave them alone to suffer. Finding a life purpose and learning to love and forgive ourselves and others is necessary and urgent before it is too late. If you know someone that relishes in negative self talk, don’t just listen, take action, some people need an intervention.
Today, I’m sharing my story with you, not for empathy or sympathy but so you know you are not alone. We are all connected and what we do can affect others. Our choices are important and although ignorance is bliss it is not reality, nor awareness or consciousness and it does not help to progress the oneness. We are allowed to make mistakes and we are allowed to forgive others and God WILL forgive us but first we have to learn to forgive ourselves, to accept our humanness and to understand that unless we learn to love ourselves and forgive ourselves God never will be able to because God is within. All changes start from within and then the transformations and evolutions happen from that point but it all begins within.
Spending time alone allows me to listen to the silent whispers of my own heart and not hear the opinions, judgements and beliefs of others. Being alone without thought strengthens my true intentions and life purpose to live at my highest potential. Sometimes the obstacles that get in the way are generated by our own magnetic energy and karma but other times we are affected by the oneness and actions of others because we care, because we are feelers and because we cannot look away from another persons pain because it is our reflection and we must act because we hope someone else will act when we are in a time of need. People go on throughout their day and may not worry about another person who could possibly be hurting because they think that person is strong but the ones that appear strong are the ones that need the most love because on a daily basis they are putting out so much positive energy that when they fall down, they fall hard and remain weak from a loss of energy. People who live out their purpose are constantly working on evolution and transformation requires a lot of energy out. They appear strong because they have no other choice to remain a positive influence.
It’s true, the crazy ones truly are the ones that change the world and I never understood how that could be possible but I understand it now because I’m one of the crazy ones. Crazy comes from living in awareness, it is not blissful it is hard work! Owning the past, our archetypes, our flaws, our beauty, our ugliness to the core, all of it wrapped into one beautiful package and then by gifting it and sharing it with the world the healing process begins. Not pretending to be perfect but showing your humanness and sharing your story, by giving your gift of imperfection over to the oneness and God, to prove that you are not afraid of change, to accept the human qualities behind all of the energetic qualities because yes we are pure energy but we are here in this energy form to have a human experience and if humans were meant to be perfect then by default we would be programed to not make mistakes. We are here in our human forms to learn the lessons given to us by our own You-niverse and they will keep repeating until you own up, deal with your own shit and handle it! Grow your intentions, awareness and consciousness and contribute to the one-ness. Quit pretending we are not all connected. Teach this to your children from a young age and teach it to your neighbors and friends children, to your next door neighbor. By changing your own actions, by doing, people will follow your bright light. Sometimes we have to speak, sometimes we have to share our stories but actions speak louder than words so it is important to live what you speak. Walk the walk if you are talking the talk. I started the talk before the walk because that helps with the manifestation and then one day you have to start walking in this truth because it starts to irritate your soul like nails on a chalkboard and then you have no other choice than to make it right, to live your true intentions and to walk a straight path.
I’m not saying you won’t fall off the path from time to time. You will trip, you will fall down, somedays you will turn and run the other way, you will get lost, some days you may crawl some days you will move forward with the right energy and all roads lead to Rome, all roads lead to the center and this is your purpose, this is the oneness, eventually we will all make it if we can just try our best to stay the course and encourage others who are doing the same. Try and do this without ego. Try to share your true story and your true colors and don’t be afraid of what others may think because even though they have their own opinions you just need to move forward and not stop and listen to the gossip because that is like putting on your own ball and chain, it will slow down your momentum. If you have people in your life that are not supporting you it is time to start spending time with the people who do love you and support you. Even the people who are in your life that speak shit about you but have not communicated any issue to you due to their own issues and fear, move on.
What are you going to do is the question? How are you going to find your purpose? You don’t need your Mother or Father to die to recognize that life is precious.
It is never too late to learn to sit in silence and just be so you can FEEL. We as as society have learned to ignore our gut instincts and our hearts. We listen to the little voice (our egos) inside our heads to be our GPS navigation and until you learn how to reprogram your GPS you are going in the wrong direction and you will never reach the center of Rome. Home is where your heart is and we need to start carrying this with us every where we go. If you are packing for a trip or rushing out the door to work stop for a moment and ask yourself if you have remembered your heart! When you walk out that door you better have this with you. Also, take your ego because that can help you in survival situations but when it acts out of control or speaks louder than your heart you need to learn to control it and silence it.
Lately I’ve struggled to get to my yoga mat, hardly surfed laughed or shared my feelings. Daily anger, depression, confusion, frustration and sadness are comfort foods but today I realized it is the sharing of our individual stories, the tragedies, our losses AND our beautiful successes are the umbilical cords of our souls that connect us for the purpose to change patterns, learn lessons, elevate consciousness and awareness. This defines our purpose and furthers our intentions that guides us down our dark path that we sometime wander aimlessly until finally, once we are brave enough to share our true suffering and acknowledge and accept our humanness not letting embarrassment or the opinions of others paralyze us from stepping out our own front door, the light is finally given permission to work it's magic. It slowly starts to shine out through the pours of our skin leading us the rest of the way home, and home is the heart and the heart is your true GPS and becomes the best friend you can't live without and is your reminder to your purpose and the map to understanding your You-niverse, the God within and the reason we need to get out of bed every day. Our hearts are the reason we trudge down the path when we are knee deep in shit, we crawl we struggle through the blood sweat and tears because the day we realize it isn't over yet and the choice is ours is the day we give ourselves permission to enjoy life without letting fear do the talking.
No, I’m not stronger than you, I’m just no longer living in the state of “ignorance is bliss.” I’m living in paradise and I will continue to struggle daily in this beautiful life but I will still pick myself up when I fall and I hope you will be here to help me wipe the dust off, kick me in the ass when I’m not motivated, point me in the right direction and tell me to keep going. Even if you are not here to help me, eventually I will find my way again because that is what a person with a life purpose does. The light starts to shine again and even brighter as the days march on. A person with a purpose stops listening to the ego and packs their heart with them daily because they know it is the true map that will guide them to the center, to the oneness to the highest potential they can be because we only get this one chance in this body to learn these lessons, to understand the YOU-niverse and to live in happiness because we are finally content with ourselves and our life choices.
Thank you for loving me.
I’m here for you. Reach out if you need me. I’m present. I’m alive. I’m grateful. I love you.